it was twenty years ago today...
...my baby died in her sleep. which is what we all say is how we want to go isn't it... she's a blur, a dream. i pinch myself and know her to be a fact. i broke my finger yesterday. now i feel sickly and ouch and annoyed and it's fitting to feel a bit low today. didn't do it on purpose of course and it's a bloody nuisance but sometimes one looks for a reason to emphasise the pain you want to feel. just so you don't think you're forgetting, or something. she's not my handy topic, my maudalin common thread that we might have, my deep reason for you to empathise. i've never put it public like this and i'm healthy about it and so on and so forth but she truly did exist and i forget that a bit and usually it's ok, but they played 'the first time ever i saw your face' which is about her baby being born, they played it on the radio on the way home from 5 hours at the hospital last night. how do they know to play it every year on her birthday or this her death day? my brain gets it. some people die young and some don't. but today i feel sad and sick a bit and the mid-day movie's crap and my finger is throbbing to the rythym.
...my baby died in her sleep. which is what we all say is how we want to go isn't it... she's a blur, a dream. i pinch myself and know her to be a fact. i broke my finger yesterday. now i feel sickly and ouch and annoyed and it's fitting to feel a bit low today. didn't do it on purpose of course and it's a bloody nuisance but sometimes one looks for a reason to emphasise the pain you want to feel. just so you don't think you're forgetting, or something. she's not my handy topic, my maudalin common thread that we might have, my deep reason for you to empathise. i've never put it public like this and i'm healthy about it and so on and so forth but she truly did exist and i forget that a bit and usually it's ok, but they played 'the first time ever i saw your face' which is about her baby being born, they played it on the radio on the way home from 5 hours at the hospital last night. how do they know to play it every year on her birthday or this her death day? my brain gets it. some people die young and some don't. but today i feel sad and sick a bit and the mid-day movie's crap and my finger is throbbing to the rythym.
lucille gladys melia. january 4th 1982 - september 4th 1982
1 comment:
Oh...I just came across your blog via a link at Angry Chicken's blog which lead to The Purl Bees favourite Flickr pics, a few of which were yours.
I have an eight-month old daughter. As a mother talking to a mother, I don't think I need to say any more.
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